This Is Me

Photo by Ryan

Last night I woke up from a deep deep sleep. One of those deep trances where you instantly wake up and for a quick second you don’t know who you are, what day it is, questioning if somehow you woke up far down in the future as if yesterday was a bad memory that came back in your dream. A deep sleep where you actually wake up and tell yourself “Shit, I’m still in this. I’m really still going and this hasn’t ended for me yet”. As if while you were sleeping somehow everything shut off and you ceased to exist. Now don’t get me wrong this isn’t supposed to sound depressing or morbid.

I had a long talk with myself last night before bed. It’s good to take apart your thoughts you had throughout the day and fully digest them.

After rummaging through my thoughts it came down to this, I have fear in my life still. That I hate my life a little bit because I have to slowly tell people, “I’m a gay man”. Which my family still has yet to hear from me. After reading this, if they read this, they’ll know for sure. 

Is it so wrong for me to love who I love? To live as my true self? To not be ashamed of who I am around a family that is supposed to care for me?

Or am I supposed to keep pretending that the words they would speak to me in small conversations of passing didn’t hurt me when they implied a homosexual life isn’t welcome? That I cry because they don’t see a man trying to be his best and that’s all that matters? That over the years my heart would be with my friends because they accepted me for who I am.

That’s not someone I want to be anymore. Why should I live in fear? Why put my life second and continue to let them hurt me through implications?

Here I am, saying that I want my life to be just as valid as anyone else’s. I shouldn’t be treated differently because of who I love because I found someone who loves me for me and has shown me the support I’ve needed over the years.

Don't get me wrong, my family is truly incredible and I'm so happy to have grown up in a close loving family. I am in no way demonizing them. I just need them to know why it's taken so long for me to write this passage.

Ending on that note, Thank you to those who have taken the time to read this. 

Much love,
Enrike